Working On A Problem Marriage
Your role in working on a problem marriage.
When there is a problem marriage, one thing is almost always true: Both partners have contributed to what is causing trouble in the marriage. Of course, often one may be more to blame than the other, but if you are serious about trying to fix a problem marriage, pointing fingers and assigning blame is not the way to do it.
Instead, each partner must focus on the issues that they can fix. Namely, the issues that they have control over. In other words, you can only fix yourself. You cannot force, beg or threaten your spouse into agreeing to change behaviors that bother you.
That is one reason that the only real hope for a problem marriage is if BOTH the husband and the wife are in agreement in wanting to save the marriage. If both partners are truly committed to making things right, there is always hope.
When you look at your own problem marriage, it is quite difficult to be objective. You see things through the filter of your own emotions, hurt, disappointments and expectations. This is very natural, but it is important to try and get past those filters and be able to look very honestly at the situation.
This means figuring out what you have done to contribute to the problem marriage. Some spouses are so angry or hurt over the transgressions of their partner, that they honestly have trouble seeing anything that they have done wrong.
This is especially true in cases where there has been infidelity. The spouse who has been betrayed often feels very much the victim. Those feelings are, to an extent, justified. Staying in that moment of hurt and anger, however, will do nothing to save a problem marriage. Failing to see where they have also fallen short in providing a loving, nurturing relationship will almost always lead to the end of a marriage.
Again, you can only fix you. If you are honestly committed to trying to save a problem marriage, you must take a good long look at YOURSELF. This does not mean the behavior of your spouse is in any way justified. It simply means that you are willing to work on becoming a better spouse in an effort to save a problem marriage.
It does NOT mean that you are taking the blame for your partner’s transgressions only that you are willing to work on your own. Avoid the temptation of trying to figure out who is “more” to blame than the other.
If the goal is to work to save a problem marriage, that is irrelevant. All that matters now is working together to forgive each other and to become the best partner that you both can be to each other.
If you both can look honestly at yourselves and focus on correcting your own shortcomings, that is the best hope for saving your problem marriage.